pediatric cancer

Defining moments (Remembering Paxten--Part 2)

Becoming a big sister.

I stood on tippy toes to reach the phone, still corded. Daddy gave me the news: “It’s a boy!”

Learning to read.

The letters were right there in colored chalk. “C-A-T means this.” My sister stood beside her chalkboard, pointing to a picture she had drawn of a cat. And in that moment, I got it.

Losing a pet.

I tried to get Pickles, our Cocker Spaniel, to come back; she kept running after the car. Straddling the banana seat on my bike, I called and called to her. But Pickles never came. “Do dogs go to heaven, Mama?” and “Will I ever stop missing her?”

Falling in love.

Colors looked brighter, music sounded sweeter. Falling in love with Jay Lawrimore had me saying all the sappy things I’d groaned at previously.

Loving Grandmama.

In the end, she didn’t know any of us. No matter: loving Grandmama for better or worse gave me sweet joy and made me a better me.

Becoming Aunt Aileen.

Holding the infant Rachel—my first born niece—in my arms made everything bad in my world dissolve. Looking at her, I saw hope. (Now I have 12 nieces and nephews—12 faces of hope.)

Becoming mommy.

Nothing. Nothing prepared me (has prepared me yet) for the joy of it.

Believing beyond Meredith’s birth.

When Meredith was born twinless, my faith quivered at its core. This one was to be two, this tiny singleton sans sister who fought for her life in NICU. Praying through the questions, working through the doubt, set new roots to my faith. (Meredith—one of my 12—is all grown up now. Thanks be to God.)

Loving Paxten

He was only 3 years and 7 months old when he died on April 6 2008. I still wish the truth were a lie--I wish that Paxten still lived on, growing bigger, getting stronger. I do not want it to be true that he's gone. Yet while losing him hurt like nothing I'd experienced before, it was loving him that changed me: Love fast, Live now, Laugh anyway, Linger a little longer. I loved loving Paxten. I love him still.

Originally posted 4-6-09

About the Author Aileen Lawrimore

Aileen Mitchell Lawrimore is a mother x 3, wife x 28 (years not men), minister, speaker, writer, retreat leader, and lover of beagles and books. She has a lot to say.

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Childhood Cancer and Immeasurable Love - Aileen Goes On says April 6, 2015

[…] Remembering Paxten, Part 1 Defining moments (Remembering Paxten–Part 2) Forever. And Eternal […]

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Remembering Paxten, Part I | Aileen Goes On says September 17, 2016

[…] April 6, 2008, Paxten Andrew Mitchell slipped from his parents embrace into the gates of heaven. This time last year, no one was talking […]

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